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I’m going to take the time this gloomy, windy Sunday afternoon in “wild Western New York” to write thank you notes while watching the Bills game, as well as write a few needed letters to deserving ones across the NHL.
I don’t know what has gotten into you, but it has got to stop. I mean, it’s bad enough that you didn’t score on Monday for my birthday, but then you completely forgot to get me a present either for my 20th or Christmas, you don’t make up for it against Washington, and then you play as terribly as you did last night to top it off? Puh-lease. Derek, I don’t know what to do about you. I figured when Kim saw you across the street from the mall on Tuesday that you were, for sure, going shopping for me, but I guess you were just indulging yourself. But just let me say this: If I find out that you were eating lots and lots of Christmas cookies and turkey, instead of tofu brownies and tofurkey, you’re in trouble Mister. And truly, if you refuse to shoot the puck–especially on a two-on-one–on Tuesday, I’m breaking up with you again. And believe me, I’ll do it.
So I see you’re now on the third line… That upsets me. Not because you’re on the third line due to injury, but because you’re hurt. And it’s obvious. You weren’t taking strides if it wasn’t necessary, and you don’t seem to have that burst of intensity that you had a couple weeks ago. I’ll make you some cookies and leave them on your doorstep. Maybe that will help. But, on second thought, Ashley might not appreciate some random girl baking cookies for her man. I’ll leave that up to her, then. But seriously, though, get well soon, Tommy. The Sabres need Atlas.
To Paul and Patty K:
I saw you two last night. Paul, you looked positively smashing in your black suit. Very nice. But Pat? What was with the beanie? I mean, I know that it’s cold in the arena, and yeah, you looked cute, but still… It kind of defeats the purpose of wearing a suit and tie if you’re going to put a winter hat on indoors. Whatever, though. I still enjoyed knowing that you were sitting directly behind me.
Hoping for you speedy return, Cari
Dear Portland Pirates,
I apologize that the Sabres’ injury woes have hurt your position in the standings. Because once we took Mark Mancari from you, I believe in his absence, you only won two games. Sorry. And to make it worse, we now have Nate and Tim, which is only making a difficult situation worse.
Again, sorry. ❤ Cari
To Timmy C, I love and miss you. What’s happening? Are you still hurt? Are you dead? Have you taken up residence in Childrens’ Hospital, drawing with the children? Because that would be cute. But you could also have taken up residence at the bar at SoHo, drowning your sorrows in bottles of Skyy Vodka or Southern Comfort, and then going home with a different girl each night to disguise the pain… But I’d like to think of you as a really good human being, so I’m going to believe the former. Yeah.
To Timmy K, YAYYY!! I was so excited to read, as Kim pulled into my driveway last night, that you had been called up! And then you were in the starting lineup? Ahhhhh-mazing! I’m so proud of you, Shirley Temple! You played well last night, so we’ll see how the rest of your stay with the Sabes goes.
You’re an asshole.
Dear Jay McKee,
I hope your finger can be saved. I don’t like to think of amputations, in general, but especially not when they jeopardize the career of one of my all-time favorite hockey players, let alone Sabres. I just can’t imagine a McKee-less NHL. And I don’t want to see it anytime soon.
Best wishes, Cari
Maybe breaking your foot will teach you to not block shots from your teammates. I’ll miss you, Bedroom Eyes.
To all hockey players,
I had other letters to write, but I just can’t remember them at the moment. I keep getting distracted by the sounds of tree branches snapping and the Bills game. So I’m going to go watch the game, and I’ll come back, possibly with a few more letters, tomorrow. Love…
Okay, Sabres. You’ve had your fun. And by fun, I mean toying with the hearts of countless people throughout Western New York, Southern Ontario, and across the country.
AND WE DON’T APPRECIATE IT.
In fact, it’s downright despicable. I really don’t care for how you’ve been playing, at all. Goaltending? Needs to be better. Consistent, but yet, needs to be better. Defense? Don’t even get me started. Offense? Ditto.
First of all, DEREK ROY I TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE. Not the coach who led you to the Memorial Cup, no one. Know why? Because he coaches Gregory Campbell. YOU CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH HIM. Wanna know why? Because he could have single-handedly beat you last night. That’s why.
I mean, something is obviously wrong in the locker room. I, for one, don’t think it’s Lindy Ruff’s fault. The guys don’t have it in them. I don’t know why, but they just don’t. Somehow, though, I honestly feel like management might call for Lindy’s head. But I don’t think Regier would allow Ruff to be axed; they’ve been together too long, and they were together when this team didn’t make the playoffs, what, three seasons in a row? Regier, as we are all too well aware, is not one to jump the gun, so I really believe that Ruff’s job is safe, and that’s fine by me, because he is an elite coach.
That being said, I’ll refer to my comment about the guys just not showing up. What’s my solution to that? Make some phone calls to Portland. Get Nathan Gerbe on a plane ASAP. If I were Lindy, I’d stick with the plan of benching guys. I’m still on the Bench Derek Roy Bandwagon. He most definitely needs to play better (and obviously my theory of embarrassing him didn’t work as well as I had hoped). But seriously. Rotate Gerbe in for the guys we are very much underachieving this year. Oh, wait… That’s pretty much everyone except for Vanek, and I’ll throw MacArthur in there (strictly because of his numbers) and Mancari (because he’s played pretty well). And like I said, don’t even get me started on the D. Seriously, bench them all. Play Paetsch and Weber in Lydman and Tallinder’s spots for a few games, and then in Sekera and Spacek’s, and then Numminen’s. I won’t throw Rivet in there because he’s been battling injuries all season, but still.
SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE.
We obviously have to find what’s wrong with this team, and we have to find it now. Because as it stands, playoff-wise, we’re already on the outside. And I’m not so sure I can take another Sabre-less late spring.
Like I said to Anne today, I seriously want to jump a plane to Tampa when I drop my brother off at the airport this morning. I really want to go down there, smack every single Buffalo Sabre across the face, and then proceed to bawl my eyes out and throw a hissy fit to make them see just how much their sucking affects me.
Oh, my God. If I talk about them any more I think I actually might start crying. Either that, or my couch pillows and other household objects may suddenly be able to fly…
So, I think, instead of talking about those men who shall not be named (Sounds like Harry Potter, eh? I think I might use Kim’s method: ******.), I think I’m just going to post ridiculous pictures of them, and talk about my boyfriends from the other teams.
So, in last night’s game, my Florida boyfriend, the beautiful David Booth did what? Nothing. Oh, that’s right, because he didn’t play, because he has some shoulder injury.
WHY IS IT THAT THE ONES I LIKE ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS GET HURT????
But Marcus Naslund scored for the Rangers, neither of my goalie BF’s played in the Islanders/Caps game, both Staal brothers let me down in their matchup, Shea Weber netted a goal, Todd Fedoruk did as well, and that’s it. Well I guess I pretty much got stood up across the board. But thank you, Marcus, Shea, and Todd, for trying to cheer me up. But, alas, it didn’t work.
At least Tampa lost… But, wait, I don’t think that will matter since they absolutely steamrolled us when they were up here last.
Umm, so a picture…
So I lied. I can’t look at my pictures of the ****** without getting all kinds of upset. Well, I’ll put up a picture of one of my guys who didn’t let me down last night:
The Pirates couldn’t possibly let me down last night because they didn’t play.
While the Sabres are out making millions by playing terribly and galavanting on the beach and Chippewa, the most adorable hockey players every (coughTHEPIRATEScough) are doing charity work. Yeah, that’s right, and making the days of countless children, grown men, and adoring women.
Three of the four Mikey-Poo’s in Portland (Card, Funk, and Kostka), along with Derek Whitmore unveiled the newly remodeled Dorothy Elizabeth room at Gary’s House, a Ronald McDonald-esque house, in Portland. They also decorated for Christmas.
And then Tim Kennedy (who looks like a child himself) and Jimmy Bonneau did a signing.
The Pirates are my new hockey loves.
Take that, Sabres. Oh, and Derek Roy? I’m breaking up with you.
And I’m not talking about the Sabres game, because that was terrible.
And I felt terrible, because it was Jason’s first Sabres game, and the only exciting thing that happened was Peters’ fight, which wasn’t even that good to begin with.
I mean, it was obvious that they were trying, because things worked pretty well, at times. But there is absolutely no excuse that we get shut out when we miss at least four wide-open nets. It’s just not right.
There are only a few guys that I think played decently enough: Mark Mancari (who got the third star YAYYYYY), Nathan Paetsch, and Paul Gaustad. You can argue others, and I’d probably agree and apologize for omitting them in hindsight, but that’s what I’ve got.
I seriously think that the only way to get through to these guys would be to place Timmy and Al on IR, and call up Gerbe and Kennedy, and let some guys who have something to fight for play. If the regular guys’ jobs are in limbo, they’ll show up. They will. Nobody likes being benched so a guy from the minors can show them up. That’s like you being at your job for five years, and you’re being told by your boss that the guy who just got promoted from the mail room is more efficient than you.
Another couple things about them: Craig, as much as I love him, hasn’t been the same since he sat out with his knee injury, and we need a game from Ryan that’s a win from the goalie. And there are others, as well. Drew needs to stop gripping the stick so tightly, and get angry for being benched. He just seems to go with the flow, and it kills me. I’m too angry to go on.
On another note, I saw dear Timmy at the game last night. He was sitting up in the press box. And funny story… I never usually look in that area of the press box, because I didn’t think the players sat there, but for some reason my eyes sort of gravitated to him. AND I STILL DON’T GET IT. HE’S NOT THAT ATTRACTIVE. idk. He just has a really powerful aura, I guess.
Shannon and I were going to flash him, but we couldn’t really see him, mostly because he was sitting down, so we decided that possibly getting his attention wasn’t worth her boyfriend Mark and my friend Jason getting all sorts of angry and the most-likely public indecency charge. But, in hindsight, I’m sure Timmy’s got a sensor for that sort of thing, and he probably would have noticed… Yet again, another missed opportunity.
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING AMAZING TO SHARE.
Are you ready???
Are you sure? Because I’m not so sure that you are.
Well, alright. So, remember how last year, Derek was playing fantastic, and this year, he kinda sucks? And remember how we’ve been saying it’s because he’s a chunky monkey???
WELL I WANT THIS DEREK BACK:
Thanks much to awesome reader Katie for this gem. She’s my new best friend (Sorry, Kim).
And I think MJ put it best, by saying, “UM BRB clawing my eyes out because I never want to see another pic again because this one is the winner. We as a society can stop taking pictures now.“
Amen, sister. Amen.
If only that picture could help the Sabres play better…
To start off Saturday’s festivities, I was extremely disappointed because, while Kim and I, along with her beautiful mother Maureen, arrived at the Red Carpet Ceremony admittedly a few minutes late, WE STILL MISSED ALL OF THE GUYS WHO WERE TO PLAY. That’s absolutely ridiculous, because that means I MISSED DEREK ROY. IN HIS WHITE SUIT!!!! I was completely devastated.
So there are under 6 hours left until the start of real hockey’s return to Buffalo. So it only made the day about 100 times better when I opened my mailbox this afternoon to find the newest issue of The Hockey News waiting for me.
As usual THN has ranked the top twenty players in terms of position based on their projected performance in the coming season and I have to say it’s about time that Buffalo players made the grade. Yay Sabres someone finally appreciates you, not that I don’t but oh you know what I mean…no it’s okay Danny sorry I made you cry I know how sensitive you are…
None of our defensemen made the list but Ryan Miller was ranked number 8 in goalies, so some good news there. It should come as no surprise as to who was ranked first in left wingers, Alex Ovechkin, but the real surprise came futher down at number 8 who is this? Thomas Vanek? okay so here I am thinking this is good news at least two of our players made the list. Number 1 in centers was none other than Sidney Crosby (seriously I was stunned), but much to my apparently unending surpise Derek Roy was number 16th on that list. Could my eyes be deceiving me THREE of our players? It couldn’t be four could it? But there it was in black and white Jason Pominville ranked 8th in right wingers. FOUR PLAYERS finally getting the respect they deserve, hell the SABRES getting the respect they deserve.
I thought my happiness was never ending but there THN goes ruining it. They didn’t even predict us to make the playoffs giving us the 11th position in the East, they rank 4 of our players in the top twenty in their positions and they don’t even have the decency to give us a playoff spot. What kind of messed up crap is that? I don’t know but they are going to get a strongly worded letter detailing my displeasure with them, or I’m just going to think very hard about how much I loathe and despise them (I’m not good with confrontation).
In a special section key departures were listed which included, for Buffalo, DMITRI KALININ, seriously, someone actually misses him, I didn’t even realize he was gone. If you miss Kalinin raise your hand, anyone, anyone, Bueller, Bueller, yeah that’s what I thought. Please, if you miss him let me know so that Cari and I can point and laugh at you, you’ll be our entertainment for the week. I admit I’ll miss Steve Bernier but Kalinin now there was a one man train wreck.
And this line in the team report sums up the game of hockey:
Ryan Miller realizes in the grand scheme of things, he and his teammates are just a bunch of big kids playing a little kid’s game.
Or in the case of some of our players (Tim Kennedy anyone) little kid’s playing a little kids game.
The report included more of the same old same old on Miller, the whole team rests on his shoulders, he has to do better if the team hopes to make the playoffs this year, he played too many games last season, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. Thank you Hockey News for telling us here in Buffalo what we already know.
Also in the team report:
…bounce back seasons by Tim Connolly and Maxim Afinogenov will have the Sabres in the hunt for a playoff spot.
Okay first off this was written before Timmy went MIA so this just made me giggle a little because as Cari has previously reported Timmy is either dead or buried under some blond he’s screwing and can’t seem to manage getting out from under her in time to go to practice. As for Max as much as I love the man, I can’t see this being a bounce back season for him, we’ve heard for so long that he hasn’t reached his potential I’m starting to wonder if he even had it to begin with. I think we should finally realize that the guy is a one trick pony who should be taken out behind the barn and shot or in the best case scenario traded.
I guess we’ll see what this season has to offer and it all begins tonight.
It’s all Kim’s fault, so don’t blame me, but we missed the first part of practice because she had school. I totally could’ve gone by myself for the first hour and a half, but I don’t like to do much by myself (I guess I’m the typical flocking girl). So, sorry Jill, but I missed Ryan and Paul. I know, it’s tragic. I guess I need to work on my confidence and go somewhere by myself. But there are other reasons why I didn’t go that have to do with a certain someone, but I won’t get into that…