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Somebody please make sure that there is defibrillator on hand if Paul plays tonight because I’m pretty sure that my heart’s going to stop beating as soon as I see him in the good old blue and yellow. Word came down that Paul would be evaluated today, after skating on an actual line in practice yesterday, to determine if he would play tonight so everyone please cross your fingers because I could do with a little good news.
Why may you ask am I literally dying for some good news? One we play Washington tonight which means Ovie which is never a good thing (sorry Frostee). Two I’m getting sick which stinks by itself but add to the fact that tomorrow is New Year’s Eve and I’m going to start off the New Year sick doesn’t make me very happy. Three I just got my book list for next semester and because I have to buy a stethoscope and blood pressure cuff and a whole ton of books for my nursing and regular classes the grand total comes out to be around 700 dollars not really something I’m looking forward to. But enough about my stinky life back to hockey:
To Jay McKee’s finger: Hi finger Jay needs you and probably wishes that you would stay attached to his body so please do because we love Jay and want him to continue to be able to play hockey.
To Paul Gaustad’s upper-body injury/face injury: Hi injury you know by now that I love Paul and your being around has caused me to not see him play for the last 5 games and therefore undeniable pain. So while I can appreciate that Paul got you while in practice and therefore doing his joby I and mostly everyone else that I know would really like it if you would go away so that Paul could play tonight. Oh and if you have messed up Paul’s face in anyway know that I will hunt you down and gut you like a fish. (although it may seem impossible there are ways and just let me have my delusions its usually better this way because if not there are all kinds of medications and maybe some institutionalization in my future)
To Patrick Kaleta’s eyes: Hi eyes I know that you took a hit from stupid Denis Gauthier and I know your causing Patrick some problems and while I know none of it is your fault because we all blame that overgrown nancy boy Gauthier it would be really nice if you would allow Patty to see again so that he could play.
To Nathan Gerbe’s shoulder? upper body? whatever?: Gerbe Derby I miss you terribly and I want you BAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK. *goes to cry in the corner and curse out injuries*
To Craig Rivet’s shoulder: Hi shoulder you suck that’s all I have to say. You took away our captain and if how we’ve been playing lately is any indication we would really like him back so that he can use his amazing captain’s powers (which I’m sure he has) to make our guys play well again. These powers include the ability to write inspirational speeches powererful enough to make the manliest man cry, Jaro I’m sure would be blubbering like a baby all the while saying “Jaro sad” over and over and then because no other player wants to see another player cry or they’re just embarrassed for him they go out and play the best game of their lives….SEE, see what you have taken from us injury, damn you.
To Tim Connolly’s broken rib: Well it seems that you have been but one injury in a long line of injuries and when I heard about you all I could do was sit back and laugh because let’s face it you weren’t unexpected. Actually I had a countdown on my wall as to how long after Timmy came back it would take for an injury to appear well congratulations you’re the winner. I think that because of this latest injury Timmy needs to start being wrapped in bubble wrap before he goes out to play hockey and while this may not seem like the best solution who doesn’t love bubble wrap? Seriously I’m sure Man Child I and II (Danny and Clarke) would get the biggest kick out of poking Timmy just to hear the bubbles pop at least it would give them something to do while sitting on the bench. Anyways injury I don’t blame you at all Timmy is just very fragile and I believe that we should steal a bunch of those FRAGILE stickers that people but on boxes when they’re moving and stick them all over his jersey so that people will have warning that before they hit him they are most likely to cause serious injury.
New Year’s Resolution:
To stop swearing so much everyday, but during Sabres game make an exception.
I swear like a trucker most of the time and I really want to stop relying so much on curse words and start expressing myself using my big girl words. I can’t hold to that during the Sabres’ games though because it’s almost impossible not to swear at them repeatedly throughout a game.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and that you spend it with the people you love.
SEE YOU IN 2009!!!!!
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I’m going to take the time this gloomy, windy Sunday afternoon in “wild Western New York” to write thank you notes while watching the Bills game, as well as write a few needed letters to deserving ones across the NHL.
Dear Derek,
I don’t know what has gotten into you, but it has got to stop. I mean, it’s bad enough that you didn’t score on Monday for my birthday, but then you completely forgot to get me a present either for my 20th or Christmas, you don’t make up for it against Washington, and then you play as terribly as you did last night to top it off? Puh-lease. Derek, I don’t know what to do about you. I figured when Kim saw you across the street from the mall on Tuesday that you were, for sure, going shopping for me, but I guess you were just indulging yourself. But just let me say this: If I find out that you were eating lots and lots of Christmas cookies and turkey, instead of tofu brownies and tofurkey, you’re in trouble Mister. And truly, if you refuse to shoot the puck–especially on a two-on-one–on Tuesday, I’m breaking up with you again. And believe me, I’ll do it.
Love, Cari
*****
Dear Tommy,
So I see you’re now on the third line… That upsets me. Not because you’re on the third line due to injury, but because you’re hurt. And it’s obvious. You weren’t taking strides if it wasn’t necessary, and you don’t seem to have that burst of intensity that you had a couple weeks ago. I’ll make you some cookies and leave them on your doorstep. Maybe that will help. But, on second thought, Ashley might not appreciate some random girl baking cookies for her man. I’ll leave that up to her, then. But seriously, though, get well soon, Tommy. The Sabres need Atlas.
xoxo, Cari
*****
To Paul and Patty K:
I saw you two last night. Paul, you looked positively smashing in your black suit. Very nice. But Pat? What was with the beanie? I mean, I know that it’s cold in the arena, and yeah, you looked cute, but still… It kind of defeats the purpose of wearing a suit and tie if you’re going to put a winter hat on indoors. Whatever, though. I still enjoyed knowing that you were sitting directly behind me.
Hoping for you speedy return, Cari
*****
Dear Portland Pirates,
I apologize that the Sabres’ injury woes have hurt your position in the standings. Because once we took Mark Mancari from you, I believe in his absence, you only won two games. Sorry. And to make it worse, we now have Nate and Tim, which is only making a difficult situation worse.
Again, sorry. ❤ Cari
*****
Dear Timmykins,
To Timmy C, I love and miss you. What’s happening? Are you still hurt? Are you dead? Have you taken up residence in Childrens’ Hospital, drawing with the children? Because that would be cute. But you could also have taken up residence at the bar at SoHo, drowning your sorrows in bottles of Skyy Vodka or Southern Comfort, and then going home with a different girl each night to disguise the pain… But I’d like to think of you as a really good human being, so I’m going to believe the former. Yeah.
To Timmy K, YAYYY!! I was so excited to read, as Kim pulled into my driveway last night, that you had been called up! And then you were in the starting lineup? Ahhhhh-mazing! I’m so proud of you, Shirley Temple! You played well last night, so we’ll see how the rest of your stay with the Sabes goes.
Fondly, Cari
*****
Dear Sidney,
You’re an asshole.
Love, Cari
*****
Dear Jay McKee,
I hope your finger can be saved. I don’t like to think of amputations, in general, but especially not when they jeopardize the career of one of my all-time favorite hockey players, let alone Sabres. I just can’t imagine a McKee-less NHL. And I don’t want to see it anytime soon.
Best wishes, Cari
*****
Taylor Pyatt,
Maybe breaking your foot will teach you to not block shots from your teammates. I’ll miss you, Bedroom Eyes.
–Cari
*****
To all hockey players,
You’d think you’d learned from Maxim Afinogenov’s mishaps… HOCKEY PLAYERS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO WARMUP BY PLAYING SOCCER. It should be banned.
Regards, Cari
I had other letters to write, but I just can’t remember them at the moment. I keep getting distracted by the sounds of tree branches snapping and the Bills game. So I’m going to go watch the game, and I’ll come back, possibly with a few more letters, tomorrow. Love…
Okay, so I’m totally excited about the win last night. Like, completely. But I’ll talk about that later since it’s Cari + Derek = Fate time. And since I couldn’t really get over the shock that my question was picked last week, and being exhausted from exploring Boston, I didn’t really have the time to post about it last week in detail, but this week I do!! That is, if I don’t cram some more for my anatomy exam…
OH, BUT WAIT: HE’S OVERSLEPT. Story of my life. (Derek, get your ass out of bed and call Kiss 98.5 right now… Nick and Janet are contemplating calling “Derek’s best friend” Kyle to wake him up… HAHAHAHAHAHA Kyle.)
And lovelies? I apologize for how ADD-ish this post is… I’m half paying attention to what I’m writing, and half concentrating on the radio to see hear Derek… Because what would a post of mine on Thursday be without the Derek Roy Report? Just another post. And frankly, I think my Thursday posts are absolutely ridiculous, and I love being absolutely ridiculous.
Alright, so maybe I will discuss the game for a bit…
WTF was up with that game, though, honestly? ADAM SCORES, TIMMMAAY SCORES, AND HANK SCORES??!! AND PETEY FIGHTS… TWICE IN 12:01?????
Um, can this happen every night? But switch up the scorers every once in a while so Derek and the rest have a job in blue and gold come September 2009? Adam’s seemed to excel this year, a little bit. He’s now got 4 points (3-1) in 15 games, when his career highs were in 2003-04, with 6-14 for 20 points. Yeah, I think he’ll have no problem hitting those marks if the team keeps in up. And Timmy??? 6 points in 5 games? Okay. Just, stay out of Keith Tkachuk’s way, alright?? AND HANK!!! ily… I really do. You’re just too cute with your little celebratory shimmy and your gigantic grin while you really punched every guy on the bench, and then this:
“That’s the first time I ever got the first star, I just have to enjoy it right now.”
And Petey? You’re equally as adorable because of this:
“If we’re going by points it’s not fair because I’m never going to get [a pigeon].”
Well now you’ve got one. =]
Moving on. Really, though, I told my dad when it was 3-0 that I’d be okay with St. Louis scoring IF AND ONLY IF it were Jay McKee that buried the biscuit. But when Perron scored, I actually yelled at the TV, saying, “You’re not Jay! I didn’t say you could fuck with Miller’s goals against!!” Ohhh, what fun.
OOOH let’s talk about Timmy for a bit. Did anyone else feel like saying “KEITH TKACHUK JUST DESTROYED TIM CONNOLLY????” I thought it warranted it, at least. If Tim had been hit like that last year, I honestly believe in my heart that he would have been on the ice for a good 10 minutes, motionless. BUT THIS JUST PROVES THAT THE REAL TIM CONNOLLY IS NOT PLAYING THIS YEAR. Because there is no way in hell that Tim bounced up off the ice like that and kept playing. And the coaches realized they effed up because he left the game not much longer than that. NOTICE IT??? Yes you did. DON’T LIE. You’re only fooling yourself. Jill knows my theory that Marek Zagrapan is filling in for TC, but I’m not so sure about that anymore, because Marek is pretty much adorable in person, and Tim is kinda repulsive, actually… I’m not too sure who’s filling in for him anymore…
And now Derek is 15 minutes late. I don’t think he’s going to be calling Janet and Nick, but I don’t want to leave my radio in case he does… I’m pretty much disappointed in him, kinda like someone would be upset if their boyfriend didn’t pick her up for their date, and they only get to go out once a week. OH, WAIT, because I feel like the Derek Roy Report is like my weekly date with Derek. Yeah, I know, I’m delusional, but I live with it alright, so I guess you can too.
During the game I kept voting for the All-Star game, which took forever. There’s too much traffic on too low of a bandwidth for that to go smoothly. A webpage that would take about a second to load on my computer took 5 mintues. So then I discovered the text message voting. All you have to do is send the player’s last name to 81812. Standard rates apply. AND I HAVE UNLIMITED, so you know that I’m going to be voting allllll day long. I believe you get a confirmation text after every 10 votes. (But if you send “Roy,” you get a response that says “2 or more players match that name. Reply 1 for Andre Roy, 2 for Derek Roy.” Well, duh, who do you think I want?? Stupid phone.) But I got really annoyed when Derek cranked one off the post last night because I had just hit vote on my ballot. I really said this, too: “Derek, you idiot, I spend all night voting for you and that’s what you give me?!?!?!”
Derek’s turning out to be a terrible Sabres Boyfriend… Kyle aside.
And I really think that maybe he’s not going to be on the radio today. Kinda upsetting because I set my alarm for 7:30 to ensure that I was going to have an acceptable attention span. So I got up early for nothing. THANKS, DEREK. THANKS A LOT.
Well, he’s now 45 minutes late, so I’m giving up. Stupid Royzie.
This morning, when I woke up, I expected to be able to vote my lovely Sabres into the All-Star Game.
HOWEVER,
instead of the NHL being normal and putting links or whatever up on nhl.com, the homepage, to allow people to vote, I had to be all sneaky-like and find the address in old articles. I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT THIS MORNING. Well, obviously I made the time, but at the moment it is 8:05 am and I have to leave no later than 8:45, and as Kim nows, it takes me a ridiculously long time to get ready this early in the morning. I move about as slow as molasses.
So since there is no interesting hockey news, go vote your cute little butts off for Derek, Tommy, Teppo, and Ryan!!
Oh, wait, I lied. BRIERE IS HURT AGAIN!!!! Why am I excited, you might ask? Well, I’m only hoping that his injury lasts him about two weeks, because I’m going to the Sabres/Flyers game next Friday, and I am not the biggest Briere fan.
And there’s a slight possibility I might be going to the Blues game tonight. If not, I’ll probably post during intermissions. If so, then I’ll post when I return home. But PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let Jay McKee play. It’s not right to deprive Buffalo’s fans of him. We still love him. At least Anne and I do.
Oh, and this is just too funny: AHAHHAHHAHHHA Gloria Gaynor is going to be on the Today Show this morning. Oh, how I wish I could stay home from lab to sing hear her sing “I Will Survive.” Only the best karaoke song… EVER!!
I got all excited this morning when I realized that we play St. Louis tomorrow, because that means one of my favorite Prodigal Sabres returns to Buffalooooo!!!
Jay McKee is my first REALLY big Sabres love. Before him, there were Hasek (I was 5; don’t judge me) and Brian Holzinger, but that was before all the hormones kicked in, so I think those were truly just hockey loves. I mean, I did think Brian was absolutely adorable, which he is, but I didn’t know anything about him, so it was purely because he was a Sabre. But Jay? Oh, I love Jay. I once saw he and Marty Biron with their now wives at an *NSync concert. You know, the one at the Ralph. Anyways, my friend Colleen approached them only after Nicole and Anne Marie left, probably flocking to the bathroom, but she got a picture of them. AND JAY WAS WEARING A VISOR THAT SAID PORN STAR. I actually wouldn’t doubt it. I’m still madly in love with Robert Jay Alan McKee. ❤
So you can imagine my excitement when I looked at the schedule. Now, normally I’d know what team we’re up against next, but since these long breaks between games KILL ME, I try not to focus on the next game too, too much, because then I can’t distract myself from my Sabres deprivation.. BUT, when I saw it was the Blues, I looked at my mom, and in some pathetic little voice, go, “awwww we play Jay!”
But then I found this.
UMMMMMMM WHAT?
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT YOU CAN HAVE ST. LOUIS PLAY IN BUFFALO AND RELEGATE JAY TO NATHAN PAETSCH STATUS!!!! Has Murray completely lost his mind? I think so. Because if I have to sit through another Jay-less St. Louis game, I’ll cry. No, really, I will.
Now I’m all depressed. Talk about high to low in 60 seconds.
BUT THERE IS SILVER LINING, because that article also brought out that Paul Kariya might now play?? That’s fine by me since he’s “hot like a firecracker,” as Rick might say.
But also the Men’s Journal is out now, and once I get off of my butt I might go to the store and pick it up. And when I say I might, I will. Most definitely.
I don’t care if I’m not supposed to like Chris Drury anymore, he’s so gosh-darned handsome. So I don’t care. I’m going to buy it, and I’m going to enjoy it. Besides, how could I not enjoy Henrik Lundqvist and (DUH!) Markus Naslund??!?? Enough said.
AND THERE IS NO INTERESTING HOCKEY NEWS.
Except for the fact that Mike Ryan got demoted to Albany. NOT FAIR. Of course he’d be in North Carolina while I was in Boston, and of course he wouldn’t be in Albany when I drove through there, either. NOT FAIR AT ALL. But seriously, they couldn’t have used a better picture of him? I mean, his eyebrows look fantastic, but his hair is a little bit foofy… Whatever, though. HE HAS A JOB, and that’s all that matters, and now MJ is very, very, very close to him, so yay.
Alright. I’m going to go buy some new CD’s, and I’m going to go buy Men’s Journal, and enjoy the beauty of NHL players for a little while, in order to forget that the Sabres aren’t playing tonight, at least for a little while.
