There’s only so many times that my theories can be right… I mean, it’s just not a good sign for the world when I have these crazy ideas, and they actually hold true. IT’S DOWNRIGHT SCARY.

Did I not, yesterday, say that Derek probably pulled his groin while falling on the ground?

Well, my friends, I wasn’t far off. Because, after conferring with dear MJ, we’ve come to the conclusion that D’s latest ailment–BACK SPASMS–were suffered when he allowed his male counterparts (but not teammates) to carry him down Chippewa.

Geez, D, do you get any more predictable? Or outrageous?

Don’t worry, though. I still love you.

And I’m even offering to be your beard. I’ll aide you in your struggle to rebuild your reputation in the Buffalo Sabres Blogosphere, as well as mend your dignity and self-respect. And while I’m at it, I’ll work to remove all threatening pictures of you from the internet, but then proceed to share them with the Blogosphere, because I could never keep something like what we’ve shared the past couple days from them. That’d just be cruel.

You know what else is cruel? The fact that my mother said this: “Cari, we’ll know for sure that Derek’s gay when he starts dating Sean Avery.”

That’s just cruel and unusual…

But, then, would that make D some of my least-favorite fashionista’s “sloppy seconds?”

Avery, by the way, is probably the biggest tool ever known to grace the face of the Earth. That was completely uncalled for.

Oh, and has anyone heard anything about our favorite womanizer/man-whore?

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