Dear Ryan,

I just want to say a few things, because I need to get them off of my chest, and you, being the amazingly understanding and sensitive guy that you are, are the person I need to say them to.

Before I make my points, I just wanted to tell you that your taste in music is impeccable. We’d do well sharing a car on a long road trip. And, having seen the way you drive, you can take the wheel. I like a guy who drives a hot car really fast. And, don’t take that the wrong way…

But anyways, let me get to the point.

Ryan, we’ve known each other a long time, right? So I think I can say this without you getting all defensive and crossing your arms over your buff chest…

Oh, yeah.. Just like that. You know what? You look really hot like that…

ANYWAYS. I think you need to steal a game for us. Obviously our offense is seriously lacking, if you take Mark out of the picture, because there’s no reason what so ever that we cannot win a game after having 40 shots on goal. (Oh, and can you tell Mark that I’m so impressed with his play since his call-up? And that if he keeps it up, I second the quote from Kevin Dineen: “I don’t know if we’ll see him again [in Portland].” Thanks, Ry!)

So I’ve decided that the only way to get us out of this, what did you call it, a “little bit of a rut,” would be for you to stand on your head, give the performance of your life, and win for the team. Because they obviously can’t do it themselves.

I mean, don’t get me wrong; you know very well that I love every single guy in that locker room, and I would defend them tooth and nail, but they’re just off. Or awful… Or both.

Ryan, that’s all I ask of you. In the issue of The Hockey News that came to my house yesterday, you were listed in the Plus Column, saying this: “After signing a long-term deal with the Sabres, netminder Ryan Miller is delivering the goods.” Well, somewhere along the way, the goods turned into the mediocres, and we need the goods back. Okay?? So, maybe, on Wednesday, we can turn it around?

Because I have this theory that this year, the Buffalo teams are mirroring each other a little bit. I mean, the Bills start off 5-0, the Sabres start off equally as well, if not better. Then the Bills lose 4 in a row. You guys have now lost 5 in a row. Well, the Bills kicked ass yesterday, as I’m sure you know. So I think Wednesday would be the perfect time to get this entire city all riled up again, don’t you?

Let’s try that then, okay?

Send my love to the team, especially Derek, for obvious reasons…

Love, Cari

PS–Can you please tell me when tickets for the Third Catwalk go on sale? Because I most definitely have to get some…

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